Open-heartedness

Bravery

So my new book, my poetry book is now on Amazon and I don't feel the same elation as my pagan teaching book. I feel kind of nauseous that my pain and joys are open to the viewing public. Yet we must talk about it. So many families lose children and babies, from miscarriage, difficulties during birth and of course, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Yet we are told "babies don't just die", there is a culture of shame, guilt and blame. We are told to "try again", as though one child can replace another. Most of all we are to be silent. Don't mention it. Don't talk about. Pretend they never were, compounding our pain. 
So while it makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable to share these poems I know I must. I know I must speak. I know that silence can kill.
I called it Litanies of Grief and Inspiration because with death is also hope. Life does continue and you allow to be happy.
My step-brother recently took his own life, I do not doubt the loss of his nine year old son to a drunk driver had a hand in this. He was, as many of us are, offered no help, no support, no space to feel. If my words can help a family not have to live through not one tragedy but to then it is worthy.

The Flow

The Flow

The last week or so has been a combination of swimming and going with the flow. Sometimes I can make head way, and other times I just allow the current to carry me. I have had some ugly moments of grief and pain, and some acceptance of ending, loss and decay. I have seen what happens when the love and light leaves a place. How quickly a physical space rots. Bricks and mortar build a house and it can stand for hundreds of years, but when the light goes out, when the love goes, it falls so quickly.

How important our love is. How precious our light.

How easily we forget, ignore, give away, hide our light not now I see this is not only a waste of time, but a disservice to it's beauty.

I am filled with a mix of sorrow and joy, that it took such loss to see it, but that I do. That I doubted it's power, especially within my self for even a moment.

I took the time to stand on mountains and breathe the air. I took the time to make things help people and plants grow, sowed seeds, watered and, moved plants that were struggling to safer spots.

I am filled with gratitude that only death brings, for it focuses light and life more clearly than anything else.

I amazed by the outpouring of love and appreciation to my book.

Healing and being healed.

Healing and being healed.

Being a healer on and off for about 20 years I have noticed a few things. Healers are often amazing, generous, kind people. They also sometimes look for what needs healing before they see the person. They are often terrible at looking after there own needs and life. I took a great leap in accepting the healing and wisdom of others this past week.
I still have a cough/cold/thing but something in me feels different. I sleep better. I wake brighter. I am calmer.
I feel better. Sometimes when people do not appreciate what I do, or who I am, or dismiss my wisdom because I make mistakes (how do you think I got my wisdom?) I forget myself and it has been a wonder to be reminded.
I taught and was given some great lessons last night in my circle of light.
Most of which I can not put into words.

 Mountain 
My feet are sore.
I lift my head.
I breathe in the air
Look to the skies ahead.
I move my feet
One step at a time.
Sometimes I turn to see behind.
Sometimes it rains.
The ground is hard
Or too soft, yet so so green.
Clouds pass.
Sun sets.
Moon rises.
Stars spin.
I move my feet.
Step after
Step
After
Step
After a while my mind wanders.
I see not the scant path.
I see faces in the trees.
Hear voices on the wind.
Music?
Is that music?
Then for a moment there is no mountain.
My feet don't hurt.
Something reveals it's self.
Then it is gone.
Like smoke
Or biscuits unattended.
Faint crumbs.
I lift my head
And keep walking.

WE MADE IT

WE MADE IT

 

Hello! Also thank you you wonderful people!
It has finally happened!
We got there! The book should be live on Amazon I am so happy! So tired! So full of gratitude. Thank you so much to all the people who loved and supported me you guys are amazing! You may or may not know the heartache and personal tragedy, the late nights, early mornings, tears and determination that has happened behind the scenes but you were all with me. 

I have to thank TK who has been an absolute star. He helped me with a final edit, and navigate Amazon, and endless cups of tea. Also my students and friends who have given me nothing but love and support. 



http://www.amazon.co.uk/Key-Opening-Doorway-Magickal-Practice/dp/1499506694/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1400318125&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Key+Lucy+Drake#reader_1499506694

Big love!
Creating The Key - A Magical Journey

The Key: Opening the Doorway to Magickal Practice.

"The Key is a magickal manual to unlocking your own potential. It is practical, insightful and allows the student of any level to look at their path with new eyes. There are assignments, poems, prayers, meditations of many kinds with a support and warmth that a seasoned teacher gives. Regardless of your place under the pagan umbrella there is something within this book can teach you. It treats the student holistically to allow greater balance with both ritual and non ritual magickal life."

Oh ISBN numbers are
ISBN-13:
978-1499506693
ISBN-10:
1499506694

Death and the Maiden

Death and the Maiden.

The Wheel turns. Each festival, Sabbat is it's own unique place within the rolling of the year. Yet as I often tell my students the opposite face of the Wheel is watching, present and shows it's self. At Samhain there is a fae glimmer, a flash of future, of life and hope, and at Beltane filled with so much life, vigor, lust and aliveness there is death.

This year when the Veil was thin I lost not one but two people. To say they were in my life would be a lie. Both were from my past. Both male, both older. Though that is where the similarity ends.

The deaths were shocking (one was a particularly gruesome suicide) but after a little time to cry, let go, grieve in my own way I have found a certain peace with the dead.

It is the living that currently make my stomach twist and turn in sickening knots. The flowing stench of blame, and rage and pain that makes me pale a little. I did run away from these people for a reason. In so doing I left the good with the bad, the blameless with the guilty. I neatly have made my life as drama free as I can possibly make it. It frightens me, disgusts me. I have found some peace with the living, the joyful spark of goodness, the beauty and light in people yet I look over my shoulder and it is more than a little grim. Death brings out the best and worst in people. I want to be there to support, and yet I find myself flinching. These people hurt and betrayed me. These people abandoned me when I was in need.While I have reached differing levels of forgiveness, of letting go, some more complete than others I do not wish to jump in. If you swim with sharks and crocodiles sooner or later you will get bit.

Part of me wants to say "Screw it" and just not go, not go back. I am at peace with dead why should I put myself through pain, especially for people who had no such sentiments when I was hurting.

I can not decide what I want. Absolution, resolution, peace...something. 

I want something I haven't found a word for.

Small town politics and complicated relationships do not need more than a nudge to explode at the best of times.

I have no name there. I am sister, but not sister, friend, but not friend, family but not family. I am someone but no-one to these people. Myself was never what they wanted. It is that I want? To be myself, unwaveringly myself, apologetically myself. To be seen, to be heard. These are the ghosts that haunt me. I have to let them go to. Not run. Turn and face them. Let them go.  Does the ugly duckling return the swan? Or just it just fly? I am not a chicken, or duck, I have grown beyond the farmyard.

I am in a field until late Monday/Tuesday and might not be functioning to Wednesday.

Beltane Blessings

So the season is on us and as usual I am crazy busy. I am going away camping on Beltane it's self in my new canvas tent. Tonight I have my students over and I hope to do circle work.

As Beltane is such a fae festival I have my own special blend of incense ground. I have seen so odd ingredients for Beltane blends, including the use of elder, which is toxic and stinks, wouldn't get my seal of approval!

My blend (until I tinker later) is

Juniper berries 

Lavender flowers

Cinnamon

Cloves

Copal resin

Apple wood

Kind of gummed up my grinder but it will be fine. I could have done it by hand but the berries are never fine enough and fall off the charcoal.

Just finished washing the floors with mix of salt, herbal decoction (lemonbalm, hyssop, lavender marjoram) , essential oils (black pepper, lemongrass, lavender) and eco-friendly washing powder. Then I poured it over and down my front steps. If I had had more time (and inclination) I could have washed everything with it, including windows.

My herbs are growing (and some) are drying nicely too. My lovely lilac is scenting the whole garden and house beautifully, and my lovage is drying really well.The lilac will be going into any banishing salt or oil blend I make and it is keeping the house peaceful. I say peaceful, most of the bags are packed and I found yesterday very stressful. Still I am looking forward to being under the sky and sleeping in my warm and cosy tent, or sitting by the fire and laughing, singing and talking with friends!

In other news the dog is definitely sulking. Still can't be helped!