Where are my Deities?

Where are my Deities?

I overheard this question to another teacher and it was funny (because she misread it as dentures) and was sad because it implies this person is behaving like a child up late at night waiting for Father Christmas (Santa Claus) demanding presents.

Every time I have had a connection to the Deity level of energy, the frequency if you like, I notice many things. One there is a LOT of energy and power there. Secondly they are often shouting and trying to communicate to those who don't bother to listen.

It sort of reminds me of that old joke where the Jewish guy praying and praying to win the lottery and eventually God manifest and yells "Buy a damn ticket!"

Our Gods must be met half way. You must allow that energy into your life. You have to open up (something we in the West are pretty bad at) and allow something much much bigger than the self into your whole being.

It takes time and practice, faith and trust. They are also under no obligation to be as you wish them to be. You can not decide to make something sweet, cooler, or more "acceptable". Deities can be wrathful, as well as tender. They might not think you are doing enough. They might not like how you are doing it. Or with whom.

It is inside ourselves, in the quiet where we open up and listen. To listen we must stop talking, even within our minds. After that it is sincerity and time.

"For behold! I have been with you since the beginning and I am that which is attained at the end of all desire. And to know me is to cease looking. For if you never find me within, you will never find me without."

It can be as simple as accepting the good you are given. Letting go of the fear and anxiety. Accepting the opportunities even if it doesn't look perfect. You have to do half the work!

If I ask for something or think about it too strongly (whatever that may be) it manifest. I have to be careful, mindful with myself and others.

I work on accepting things for myself, as well as for others. To be worthy of the Divine within and around me.

It is not a perfect process, but when I let that energy into my life wonderful things happen.

Bright Blessings xxx

In Poetry

In Poetry

As a poet, artist, creative person...I really do wish I had a bad-ass title, I have certain poets that are dear to me. I became a published poet at aged 11 and the bug has never really left me. My (Welsh) culture is infused with poetry in a way that England is not. Poetry and the love of words is not something for “rich toffs” as it is seen here, but a web of words and being woven into the lives of ordinary people. I first wrote poems to explain the vivid images and feelings I experienced. Snippets of other people’s lives, deep memories from centuries ago, the heart-achingly beautiful nature all around me, to capture them in some form.

At the time I would have loved to paint but my co-ordination and execution were not good enough for me and in this frustration I created pictures with words. I remember writing a poem in the style of Samuel Peeps about the fire of London, I must have been about 8. The next one I remember was about a Second World War pilot for the competition at 11. It was published in a little book and I remember the poem on the other side of the page to mine more than my own. (It was about having an amazing older sister, I was enthralled and mystified.) I received an award from Brian Pattern at a theatre in Mold. There are no photos of me gaining it or anything. No framed poems at my parents houses.

I received Gargling with Jelly, a children’s book of poetry, which allowed me to be able to see that poetry could be funny and foamy, as well as deep and full of raw emotion. The next poet I found were singers, from jazz classics like Love for Sale to Kim Wild’s heart felt and angry words. I don’t exactly remember when I found Dylan Thomas. At school competitive poetry performance was a big deal and I feel like I heard him long before I read him. Cargoes by John Masefield and Bed in Summer by Robert Lewis Stevenson were two I performed with and won with. Both full of character and rich with imagery my next poet and I had a long affair. Billy Waggle-Dagger or William Shakespeare was something like discovering a whole culture of exotic and spicy food. It was the richness, the sumptuousness and that it was not a bite, but a feast. Shakespeare, like Thomas, have this utter joy and delight in words to be spoken. It is storytelling, and so much more. Henry V has one of my favourites, not that I could pick easily. It is easy for me to believe an actor wrote these plays, because of how the words feel in the mouth.

You might have noticed something, none of these voices were women. Until university I had not experienced female “poets”. University was terrible for me. It was brutal and invasive. Cruel and pointless. Having been writing so long it was jarring to be told my “voice was wrong”. More disturbing to me was the news that once I handed in my word it could be published without my knowledge or consent. This actually happened to one of my peers, he didn’t even get a decent mark for it! One of my “lecturers” I won’t call her a teacher read one of my experimental pieces and called it “nice”. Nice it was not. Dark, disturbing, full of trauma and pain, but not nice. In desperation for some actual feed back I gave to a lecturer who was a writing tutor but took me for Contextual Studies workshop/group. She did two things. The first was properly go through it and ask questions like “Does this need to be here?” or “Could you expand this idea” and so on. The next thing she did actually saved my life. She said “read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath”.

Sylvia

I feel a sorrow Hard to see.

I didn't save Sylvia

When she saved me.

Though she was already

A long time dead

Before the conversations

Within my head

She gave me a fragile

Needle of hope

A strange togetherness

That helped me cope.

For when Sylvia was there I was not alone.

She felt what I felt Mind, Spirit and Bone.

For her prison was a prison for me

Her understandings

Set me free.

I feel a sorrow

Hard to see.

I didn't save Sylvia

When she 

Saved Me. 

I happened to re-read just a short line of her work last night and it all came flooding back. Maybe because she was my first, or because she was good. Of course I have read and enjoyed many other poets male and female since but Sylvia will always be special to me.

Bright Blessings xx

Unbreakable

Unbreakable

When someone is cruel and unpleasant, a bully or an abuser it is they, of course, who have the problem. Yet to ignore their actions, to giver responsibly back to the victims and not the people who are mean, cruel, who bully or abuse gives them no hardship. In fact what it does is give them permission to treat the next person the same, or even worse.

As a woman I am told all the time "Oh just ignore it" or "don't take it personally". 

While both of these are good for my blood pressure to an extent people who are problematic, no that is not the right word....

Unkind, people who are unkind get away with it. 

Now everyone has bad days, grumpy days, days when the dog wakes you up at 4.30am for no reason and you might snap at someone.

That is excusable. 

There is literally a reason.

We have created an environment where assaults, threats and unkind behaviour happen so often we have to have Government posters telling victims that what has happened is not okay.

Did the weird guy on the tube/metro grope you today? Must just be Wednesday!

Is that old guy standing on a box in the middle of the city center scream abuse religious or drunk? Just ignore him he will go away.

Someone spewing hate or gross inappropriate stuff on your feed? Ignore. Mute. Walk away.

Of course we are responsible for how we act. We are also responsible for what we don't do.

More than that the people who behave appallingly are responsible. They are culpable for their actions. 

It can be challenging to take a stand, to defend the victim. to say, "Hey! That is not okay!"

There are now train carriages to be only for women, because women are so groped. While I understand the idea of a safe space sounds great, we really should make the people doing this behaviour accountable.

We need to change the situation around. Women don't need women only carriages, we need guys not to grope.

In looking for a poster I had seen advertising or warning about groping I found a comment from a guy that said this.

"I'd grope a hot woman.... and she'd like it."

When we say nothing, when we back away, when we internalise it or explain it away the perpetrators think they have your consent.

If someone is a bullying ass at work and everyone knows, but no-one say anything they say things like

"Well no-one complained."

Your silence is seen as consent.

If your silence is consent then do nothing. Say nothing. Breathe through it and let it go. If it isn't then speak out. In as safe a way as you can.

We are responsible for ourselves, but we also as humans have a duty of care to those around us.

Make the world better. 

Speak up for those who might not have a voice. 

Stand for what you believe in.

We create the world around us with our thoughts and actions. We are not islands. We are web, a tapestry of light and colours. Be kind, be brave.

Bright Blessings xxx

 

 

Belief and Fact

Your opinion is not a fact.

Just because it is your theory doesn't make it true.

There is a habit in some pagan magazines and books to state things that can't be proven as facts. Now I am all for theories and opinions, especially esoteric and occult ideas that are new.

The bug up my ass is the quasi-historical , and there is no way to put this nicely, bullshit people spout and get away with.

I recently re-read something that stated as fact that dancing was "invented" in the Paleolithic period as a religious expression.

It is an interesting theory, one that could have been expanded on and been the whole piece (it wasn't it was the starting place of a rather odd article). It is no more a factual statement about history than saying Neanderthals taught us the boogie-woogie, or the alien showed us how to two step.

We don't know. It is okay NOT to know. It is far better NOT to know and to theorize and debate. Once you set in stone (see what I did there?) a fact it is hard to change it. More than that people teach it to other people as fact.

This doesn't just go for pre-history. Pagan writers seem to delight in make-shit-up-istan. From ancient Egypt and Greece wild speculation put across as fact is both dangerous and makes us as a community look stupid.

From re-grouping or re-naming Goddesses, dismissing how ancient people practised entirely because it doesn't "fit" your opinion, making wild leaps to fill in things you don't know is not just irritating it is wrong.

You want to re-claim something? Good, fine, great. Just don't set yourself up as an expert on Egyptian magick or Hellenistic rituals because even really deep scholars have huge debates and theories and differing opinions on how things were done, when and why.

Ancient Egyptian beliefs were a complex mix of household Gods and Goddesses worship daily (much like modern Hinduism) and larger festivals and specific things were managed by temples. To understand the complex weave of places and sacredness that saturated their whole culture and arts, sciences and music is an enormous task. Priestesses were a permanent of life long fixture at temples (no marriages or kids), but the male priest would serve for three month blocks and return back to their jobs and families. 

Slowly over time some deities would merge together, disappear and re-appear, rise and fall in importance and popularity. This doesn't mean they "were the same Goddess". 

To the people worshipping them they were separate and distinct, regional and highly personal. We now have the perspective of vast time and vastly difference sense of space. It might be convenient to smush deities together that seem similar to us but with thousands of years and often hundreds of miles it would be a mistake. It is not factually accurate. It is lazy.

If we were trying to pin down all that had happened in terms of magick, rituals and beliefs in just the last hundred years of this century it would be near impossible. Trying to do so in the deep past is even more difficult because the further from that place we become the more difficult it is to understand not what they thought, but why.

Yes, history is masculised, and full of opinions that don't make sense when we strip them of much Patriarchal thinking. Yes some of the "normal" historical narrative don't seem to have all the answers. Yes, imagine, remember, theorize. 

Just don't write thing in national pagan publications as FACTS when they are not.

Bright Blessings xxx

If you want to understand history a bit better do watch and read things by Proff Mary Beard, Bethany Hughes and Dr Amanda Foreman

Never Stop Learning

Never Stop Learning

As a home educator, and as a witch and spiritual person learning and growing is very core and important to me.

Today I learn two new things. Chameleons give birth to live and tiny young. When I shared this with my beautiful daughter she informed me that anaconda also gave birth to live young. 

As a teacher I feel as though to stop growing is to begin to die. I am not bothered by death in particular, all part of the same circle really but I do have so much more I wish to know and experience.

The more I learn the more questions I have and the questions are often more satisfying than answers.

I am gifted by a sense of the profound wonder at the world and universe. From reading a poem I had never read before to see a tree twist and writhe as though dancing, to watching a chameleon give birth.

This makes me different than most people I meet. Most who have had their curiosity and wonder cut into little square pieces by school, parent or even by the world of work.

Sometimes this part is eked out in hobbies.

Spiritually when we lose our sense of wonder and thirst for knowing part of is dying. Yet as with all death it need only be winter and if we allow the light of knowledge into our whole beings spring will always follow. 

This thirst for knowledge tempers my faith and enriches it. My faith is not blind. It is based on years and years of research and enlightened spiritual experiences.

I ask over and over again to my students (and myself) what did that teach me?

What have I learned?

What new thing do I know today that I did not know yesterday?

Today I learned that world was more interesting and beautiful than I knew (chameleons give birth).

I learned that you have to throw away stock after 24 hours in restaurants and kitchens now (chatting with an ex-chef).

These questions are beautiful and important. I keep growing reaching down into myself and out into the stars.

  I try to inspire others to find their wonder, their inner quest for the world.

Bright Blessings xxx

Motivation

Extrinsic and Intrinsic Motivation

Extrinsic Motivation

This is where any action is based on an external reward or punishment. From cleaning your room to doing a sport to win an award, this external view point is based around pain and pleasure; punishment is based on pain and shame, and pleasure is based on praise or a reward.

The world of laws and religion is very good at this kind of motivation. Schools and even other education providers can use this heavily.

Intrinsic Motivation

This is personally motivated act. It often comes from a place of curiosity, joy or fascination. It is a deeper level of pleasure than a prize or gift. It is the satisfaction of the act it's self. From love of playing a game, or solving a puzzle or the enjoyment of finding out something new.

While both kinds of motivation have a place, intrinsic motivation is often sidelined, repressed or damaged by extrinsic motivation. This is a problem as it is the current model of motivation in most cultures.

Again when we look at how most people numb difficult or painful feeling (like pain and shame) it would explain why that might remove or damage the intrinsic motivation. Yet it would be surprising that praise and bribery has the same effect.

Authentic Self

This maybe why some people seem to have no motivation. (Although some near the autistic end of the spectrum struggle with this). It is that your innate authentic curiosity and joy in the world has been threatened, shamed and punished out of you.

Reclaiming the authentic self and cultivating personal joy and pleasure is a rebellious act but a necessary one.

How can we cultivate the authentic self if we have no idea what makes us happy? What our passions are? 

When is come to how I live my life it is the authentic self, this passion for life, the intrinsic I seek to reclaim in myself and others and to preserve in my daughter.

More callings and less jobs. More dancing however "bad". More art and music. We have a responsibility to ourselves be cultivate happiness. In so doing we silently give permission for others to do the same. This idea that we need extrinsic boundaries and rules to be good people is based on the idea that if we could do anything we would do terrible things. I would argue that people who are going to do terrible things will do so, regardless of the rules. That the bureaucracy of being a human in this modern age has to change.

This has an impact from school and work places, from community groups and spiritual collectives. Especially when we internalise these extrinsic models of punishment and praise. It robs of something beautiful (and I would argue sacred) out the self.

It is the "should". I know I "should" do X because I would be punished or not praised if I don't. It is the parents "should's" consciously or unconsciously handed down. Yes sometimes it is a useful crutch in doing things that are needed but used too often it ribs us of all motivation even the extrinsic one.

As with all things I feel like I am going to have to meditate on it a little more!

Bright Blessings xxx

Rising Up

Rising Up

Ending Competitive Thinking.

As girls and women we are often in positions where our power is less than that of the (male) system around us and men in the system.

We have to work twice as hard for credit and for our voices to be heard than boys do. This leads to a competitive cycle that damages women, one in which girls and women "police" the male system and will attack, shame, and blame other women for not participating in the system or being different.

I was never very good at fitting in. I hated gossip and small-mindedness. I hated competing. It was far easier to be "one of the boys" than walk the mine field of female friendship/competitive bitchery.

I did have female friends as an adolescent, but not after I left school really.

At college I was surrounded by Thesps and YiPs (Thespians and Youth in Performance). This exaggerated the normal competitive female social strategy to an extreme. Even the boys and men on our course bought into it wholesale.

The normal exacting (and narrow standards) got even smaller.

Of course I rebelled. 

I did make female friends but many dropped out either because of the pressure or because they got pushed out by the lecturers.

At university it was different, but essentially the same.

Pretty early on I was dumped in "character roles" or "old lady". The male acting/drama lecturers (not one female lecturer on the whole site) were vile and would bully and be abusive to women (to toughen them up of course) especially ones who weren't white, blonde and big breasted. Many dropped out, for many reasons. I lost and gain friends quickly.

The female friends I made in my early twenties vanished as soon as I had my daughter.

Little by little women came into my life whom I bonded with almost instantly, though not all of them lasted and some got lost in their own rage/drama cycles.

I am very lucky to have a feast of wonderful women as friends. They teach me, up lift me, remind me of my own song when I forget to sing it.

We as women, and as mother's need to make spaces for other women that are supportive, non competitive places to help break this cycle. We need to show women that they are stronger side by side. That there is enough, and that they don't need to compete with other women. We need to value ourselves enough to know that we do not need to take from other women. It is a destructive cycle and one that devalues us all.

In the end our songs do not have to be the same to be a harmony, or a symphony. That it is the whole of the sound that is important. When we give recognition to women who came before us, when we stand by the choices and the ability to choose of women, when we empower and come together we are such a force!

This is one of the reasons that I created a community for female seekers on g+ which you can find here.

For you men and boys out there understand that "women"is a catch all term for a vast array of people. That having a token "woman" in a room full of men is not enough because this exacerbates the problem. Speak less, and listen more. That we are people, not things.

I think there is hope and there is a positive shift towards community instead of competition. Long may it continue.

Bright Blessings xxx

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 This blog was inspired by my wonder friend B. Love you.