Watching Clouds

Time to stand and stare

I have been sick for a while. Between infection and my new meds knocking me sideways I have not been much of a writer or blogger.

I have caught up on lots of Netflix. I did cat/house sit for a week (I didn't do much there either except meditate and sleep).

Yesterday I managed to muster enough of myself to go out while the sun was shining.

I didn't even head into the forest.

After a quick nip to the Polish deli for bread, meat and cheese we headed out to the hill at the base of the forest/wood near us.

 We ran the dog a lot.

She has two toys we throw and she ran and ran.

We always head to this ancient ash tree (this tree is huge) and sit among the roots and shade. After a while of watching the pair or dragonflies dance between us and the tree line I decided I watched to watch the clouds and borrowing TK jumper I lay down and through the branches I just stared up.

We had brought charcoal and sketch pads and E tried to capture clouds (not an easy task when you are new to charcoal).

I can remember just laying and watching clouds as a child. It was good to feel the dappled light on my skin and marvel at the colour of the sky. 

Though there was a little breeze the wind higher up made everything look like the clouds were speed up. 

The sky seemed so blue, the leaves like peridot shining. 

It was peaceful in a way I don't have words for.

TK laughed and laughed. He doesn't laugh that way inside. So did E. Everything was uncomplicated and beautiful.

Being the first trip out of any length of time I knew it would cost me today (especially as we hit the school run on the way home) and I haven't been in the best health today.

And yet.

And yet I would not sacrifice yesterday's clouds and sunshine for a good day at home today.

I need the wildish places. To feel the sky.

I need it for the days when I really struggle and the pain gets too much. I retreat into those memories or green and wildish places. They anchor me reminding me I am more than pain, and meds and disappointment. 

A kestrel with an injured wing need to wind to remember flying.

Faery Juggling Joy

Faery Juggling Joy

I am working with The Heart of Faerie Oracle by Wendy and Brian Froud and The Faeries Oracle by Brian Froud and Jessica Macbeth.

*The Juggler - The Heart of Faerie Oracle

A long time ago I tried to learn to juggle. The circus school said they could teach anyone to juggle. The guy teaching me said not to worry. "You only juggle until you drop something, and everyone drops something."

I never did learn to juggle, well not with scarfs of balls. The other kind I am great at. I have some many interests, so many passions! As well as being a wife, home educator, mum and witch.

People often chide me. "Just do that one thing you are good at!"

I just have tides and seasons. Sometimes I must make music, sometimes I must write, or paint or cook. Sometimes all I want to do is readings, tarot or otherwise. So I juggle. We all juggle, until we don't.

The Juggle says

"Don't juggle something you're not prepared to drop."

Take a breath. Mind your footing. Slow down, just a bit. Do you need to add another "ball" to what you are already juggling? What can you safely drop? Is it time to focus on less? Is it time to stop worrying about the next things you might juggle?

A Collection of Pixies - The Faeries Oracle

Pixies like to get things done. They do have a lot to do. Pixies actually like helping people too.  Yet they dance it joyfully. It can be difficult for human to understand joy and duty in the same breath but fae love contradictions. Besides just because it has to be done doesn't mean you can't have fun with it. The pixies say

"Do it together and dance."

Your jobs and chores won't get done any faster but you might feel better about doing the dishes if you are singing your heart out, or have a good view out of the window.
If you have a duty and care to do something you don't have to head at it like chewing chalk. You get to choose how you honour your duties and responsibilities. It is so much happier to share the load, to laugh and talk through the work. Yes you have hard work ahead of you, you get to decide if you make it a burden or a delight.


* As per usual the faeries had it right. I wrote most of this yesterday but the Juggler add a couple more things I couldn't drop. Notably my husband need help with some D.I.Y to stop something heavy falling on his head. Then a poem came to me, so I wrote it down, and then there was lunch...you see my point!

Faeries of Challenges and Deception

Faeries of Challenges and Deception

I am using The Faeries Oracle by Brian Froud and Jessica Macbeth and The Heart of Faerie Oracle by Wendy and Brian Froud.

The Challenge - The Heart of Faerie Oracle

Fae (or fey) are challenging. They push us, block us, sometimes even trip us up. I am sure* they have their reasons and the best** of intentions, but sometimes just sometimes it also sucks.

The thing about challenges is it not often is the thing that is an issue. Most often how we deal with it. Do we laugh, do we cry, to we scream? When a hurdle is placed in our way do you jump over it? Do you wait politely for it to be moved? Do you kick it over? Do you walk around it?

Life can be full of problems, or it can be full of puzzles to solve, opportunities to take, and adventures.

They say

"This is a test. How are you going to get through it."

Challenges will be all around you. Some small but maybe something big. Something sudden and unexpected will leap out at you and make you stumble or even stop you in your tracks.

You could let it ruin your day, or your week. You could take a break and reassess where you are going and what you are doing. You could laugh at it all. Or you could keep going.

The test isn't about the challenge it is about how you react.

The Pook - The Faeries Oracle

Well the Pook has lead me on a merry dance already today. First it didn't want to be photographed this morning (it kept coming out blurry). Then it saved to some random deep dark corner instead of my faery picture file. But what do you expect, it's the Pook.

Pook likes to bemuse, befuddle and bedazzle us+ and while they are (gender neutral) are deceptive the truth is, most often we like to be deceived. 

The Pook is a paradox of all things good and bad in fae. In a weird sort of way they are excellent teachers.

Pook says

"Is that what is really going on?"

If the Pook is asking then the answer is, probably not. Someone is deceiving you. It might even be yourself. Human beings are amazing at re-writing things to suit themselves, it's a gift, but illusion and disillusion are not the same as a positive out look. The Pook is so hard to pin down. There is truth in lies, good in the bad. Sometimes we need to get out of our perspective and see things differently.

*I am as sure as I am about anything faery related

** Best for whom does spring to mind

+At least me, probably some of you lot too

Mum's the Word

The Good Mum Myth

I see a lot of these pictures about. Sometimes it's not about that they miss them or that they have died but how wonderful, special and amazing their Mum's are.

When my mum was alive it make me feel weird. Sort of hollow. Like a gap where a tooth should be and I would poke that space. I couldn't seem to leave it alone some how.

I mean how do you explain that no, my mum is not, was not, my best friend, deepest confident, biggest supporter, shoulder to cry on?

How do you explain that she was 4 foot 5 inches of toxic pain? That she hurt, harmed and belittled me over and over and over and knew?

That she had reasons, that should be be pleasant, that she was smart and polite but.... she would twist any situation to be about her. That she would pick, scratch and itch for an argument, then play the victim.

How do you explain to people who have had more healthy relationships with their family (or even ones that really don't) that sometimes you have to let go, walk away, find your peace without your mum?

That being raised by a person who didn't beat you every day, who feed and clothed you, can still be horrifically abusive?

That the absence of unconditional love burns cold?

That the "good ol' mum sayings" in my home were not like other people's?

She is dead and I am still trying to figure out what is wrong with me! Why couldn't she love me?

The fierce love I have for my husband and children is so intense, so powerful. It is primal. Magnetic.

I know she had a shitty childhood and an abusive mentally ill mother whom she barely saw. I know she never forgave her an inch. Not one. That she went into an abusive marriage and left him for a bipolar sexual predator, whom she loved until she died, over 20 years, in a distant unconnected sort of way.

Yet I know many many abused people who would never ever hurt their children. In fact they are the most protective, loyal and loving.

In the end that gap, that space opened up in me is where spirit and faith and magick came pouring in.

I don't know if I wish I had yelled at her, she would have enjoyed that. I don't even know what I would want to say. 

I was a child and she tortured me with her words and actions. With her inaction and cold spite.

All I ever really wanted was a mum.

Someone to hold me when I was sad. Believe in me. Tell me everything was going to be okay. 

Love me, just as I was.

Instead I hold my heart out and be better not bitter.

 

Empathy and Morality

Empathy and Morality 

*

*I promise to explain the picture later.

I saw a post through something on Twitter ( @lucydrakeandco ) and it was asking about David Hulme's sensible knave. The basic gist is "why be moral or kind, when being moral or kind doesn't seem to have an advantage?"

There are always going to be people who see situations as games and people as objects. They seem to reap endless benefits from serving just themselves.
The thing is if you can not connect to other people, if you view them as less than or things, if you do not feel, there is something fundamentally human missing from you.
In the last century there started to see this shift away from what had been thought of as "good"; charity, kindness, concern for your fellow human beings, especially for you community were the norm. Even if you were a sociopath who only wanted power you had to appear just, kind and compassionate.
Even after the first two world wars there was enough of a sense of community, family and kinship that the general behaviour of most ordinary people was that of kindness.
After the 1960's social and emotional awakening, and the disappointment and bitterness of many who had tried peace and love and didn't feel it worked there was a great anger.
By the 1980's many of these communities were deliberately destroyed and the idea the "greed is good" took hold in a way that really shaped the world.
The less connected we are with our communities and other people the easier it is to be selfish and self serving.

We know that being "moral"** and kind does have an advantage. It makes us healthier, happier and saner. You are a social animal and we have evolved to be in co-operate communities because we survive better when we do. When we are kind and compassionate, when we empathise we are more mentally flexible and able to adapt.

Helping someone or something that is helpless like a bedraggled abandoned tiny kitten may not help us in the short term but it allows us to nurture, empathise and mentally adapt. Vital tools when we come up against problems we could not have imagined.
This is why we didn't just let out old weak, sick or disabled die. Because their knowledge, ability, or an ability we learned caring for them could come in handy later.

When my father-in-law came out of hospital he came to stay with us for quite a while. We learned a lot, dressed his wounds, sorted out his medication and while it was like dealing with a surly teenager we did what we could for him.
Pop's has since passed and although it was stressful and upsetting sometimes I was in a field camping when a friend was complaining about his foot. I had seen endless foot and leg wounds with Pop's so I offered to have a look and clean it up. I took one look (he wanted just some antibacterial stuff on it and to carry on camping.
I took one look and I knew he needed to in hospital. I could see bone. It took a while but we got him to hospital.
He still has issues on and off (he like Pop's is diabetic), but he (unlike Pop's) never lost any part of his foot.
This guy works in the NHS (I don't really know the details) but he helps keep a system that helps millions of people. In helping one or two people I helped millions of people! Everyone has a purpose, a gift a skill. There have been times when it was fundamental to our survival that we worked together, in communities and families. Our skills, and knowledge's get passed along and around and it will benefit us, even if we can not see it!

The NHS stops diseases spreading by treating everyone. In this way we are healthier as a nation. People don't get into debt get by having to pay their medical bills and criminals then can not profit from this. Is it perfect? No. It does however allow people who might die to contribute in positive ways. Ways we can not always see. Yes it is expensive but even having free medical interventions stops people dying and helps babies live that without help might die. Who knows what they might grow-up to invent, or become. Like-wise abortions are also free too. Allow women healthy choices about their body and lives.

If we become numb to the suffering of others (that doesn't mean we should wallow with them) we damage the whole. We are after all, one race, the human race. Our survival as a species will depend on our adaptability, community is our greatest ally in that.

The sensible knave (a knave is a medieval equivalent of asrehole/shit/low) can not see that being moral, kind and just does benefit him. Selfishness is short-sighted. It doesn't see the big picture and it tends to destroy rather than build. This why Government fear communities, especially female run ones. They are a force to be reckoned with. Moral** is different for different people. The personal code with which you conduct your life both internally and externally is is a road map of connection. It is a key of adaptation. It also has the benefit of making you happy!

Bright Blessing xxx

(not bad for writing with a migraine huh?)

Maiden, Mother, Crone.

Maiden, Mother, Crone.

 There is some resistance to this idea. Some blame Robert Graves, some Gerald Gardener. Mostly it is the idea of Croning.

"I don't feel like a Crone!"

"I am a Queen, not a Crone!

All this comes back to our fear or ageing, and societies idea that you have to "keep young and beautiful, if you want to be loved."

Men can age and mature, but a woman who looks her age has "let herself go".

I am not saying that maybe the idea of of virgin/mother/hag or lover/mother/death wasn't placed on women by men. I am not saying that we should feel comfortable about having our labels coming from an external male gaze.
However this symbol was created and by whom is not as important to the meaning, depth and empowerment it brings women and communities. How it helps them embrace their bodies and natural seasons. Allowing them to trust their bodies, their show them respect and love that is lacking. 

What I am saying is that women dance in three cycles. That they wax and wane in these cycles (knowingly or blindly) during their lives. Women, like snakes shed their skins, as they shed their blood. In endless spirals moving in and out, towards and away from a core of self.

The menopause which stops women having children when it is no longer physically safe to do so, but we are one of a few animals to live beyond our ability to reproduce. One theory ( the Grandmother Hypothesis)  about this quirk is that we evolved this way to teach and to add in the birthing process, to look after our children's, children. To pass on skills and knowledge and to care for children who might have lost parents.

Maiden

Without the male gaze idea of "virgin" which is a myth and mistake all on it's own, what does "maiden" mean?

If we remove the "virgin" idea it is about a woman growing into herself. Her Goddesses are often ones of forest, or hunting, wildness and freedom. It is the time when a girl is learning and growing quickly. There is a power and purity in her focus and self belief. (You do remember being a teenager and being so sure about everything?)

Swift as an arrow, fresh and green as spring and just as unpredictable!

Mother 

Some folks hate the whole idea of mother so much they reject this out right. While in certain places in the world the idea that women are cattle still pervades mothering is so much more than that. Mothering is a creative process. Mothers are a doorway to the future and the past. It is both an odd combination of skills and can be a transcendent state of being. It is full of contradictions and  wildness and ferocity. Some women can pop out 8 kids and not have a maternal  bone in her body. Some have no womb and embody mothering. At it's core it is about nurture, space and love. Unconditional, unwavering love. It is teaching someone to tie their shoes, to walk, to sing. It is a doorway to the past (the ovary that became me was formed when my mother was in her mother's womb) and the future (my daughter's potential children were forming inside while inside me).

Even genetically carry children puts their D.N.A  into the mother's body. It changes them on cellular level. 

Crone

The Wise One gets a lot of flack. Culturally they are "non-people". Even medically LOLNP is short hand for Little Old Lady No Pain. 

Yet from the moment we come out of the Mother phase of our lives we are in Crone territory. The narrow band of "acceptable" in who and how women can be tightens more cruelly.

Heaven forbid that they are sexual, powerful, cunning and strong.

I come from some serious Crone women. Hands like iron and faces like coal shovels for the most part. They could wring cotton sheets dry by hand, sing like angels and make grown men's testicles shrink up into their bodies with a look and woe betide you if they had to use "The Voice".

The fear of death and the fear of being rejected or "dumped" into the LOLNP means women keep trying to stay in the Maiden or Mother as long as they can. They do not the see the beauty or grace of one place or another. They find no peace in the between either.

As with all things in nature everything is always in motion and all three have the whisper of each other in them. While biology will play a part, but it is the spinning of the spirit in it's cycles that bring these parts into sharper focus. 

Bright Blessings xx

5 Spiritual Rules to Live By

                5 Spiritual Rules to Live By

I am not big on rules, redes, laws or commandments. I don't like them because they are too rigid and one size doesn't fit all.
That said we are born craving structure and structure is dictated to us from a young age. It feels familiar and safe, even when it isn't. Here are my rules.

1 Keep Breathing

It sounds obvious, but you would be surprised how many folks hold their breath, breath shallow and forget this. Keep breathing in good times and bad. It helps heal and clarify. It helps reduce your reaction and change it into action. Breathing deeply from the belly is so simple but it can change your whole day. In three deep breaths your vision can become clearer, you slow you heart rate and begin to lower stress hormones in the blood. In 10 deep breaths you have really changed your whole bodies chemistry for the better.

2 Watch your Thoughts and Words

Is that really "the voice" of reason, or practicality in your mind? Is that cringing niggle an echo of someone else's words? Is that worry, anxiety or rage a fear you have, or was it given to you? Did you collect it like a childhood nick-name or scar? Is it your 4th grade teacher telling you are stupid? Is it your parent, grandma, or siblings words cutting into your happiness?
Take a moment to watch the tone of your inner voice. Take it back to a positive time or place in your mind.
In that vein be careful with the words you place on others. Even if you do not say them to their face. If you are stewing about the negativity of others you are being toxic. Worst you are being toxic to yourself and people you love the most.

3 Respect and Reverence

Grant being-ness to to everyone and everything around you. If you are a hard-core vegan, I respect you. Someone who is a hunter, I respect that too. I grant being-ness the ground beneath my feet, the water I drink and in so doing I realise how connected we all are. When I approach the world with being-ness I am more able to empathise and to forgive, especially when I gift being-ness, reverence and respect to myself. I don't have to like or love everyone. I don't have to agree with their beliefs or politics. Some people are truly stupid, annoying and awful. Yet they are, and therefore I accept their being. I see their light even if they do not use it, or throw it away. In this you have to accept your full self. Exactly how you are. Accept yourself with respect and reverence. Give yourself forgiveness and healing. Give yourself time and attention.

4 Stand Up for Those Who Can't

Go to the protest, the rally, the sit-in. Send email, sign petitions, do charity drives. Volunteer. Join a group. Make a group. Meditate together. Dance together. Sing together. Plant the trees. Rescue those you can. Open your home. Open a shelter. Collect litter. Re-cycle. Plant a garden. 

You don't have to attack or hate someone to help out. You don't have to boil with anger to protest. 

Be the change you want to see in the world. 

No-one can do it for you. You must do it yourself.You can do it from a place of kindness.

From a place of love.

5 Honour what is Different, Love what Connects

We are all unique and beautiful. We do not need to be the same to be lovable, acceptable or good. You don't have to be "colour-blind" not to be racist, in fact you make it worse by not acknowledging the in equality inherent in the systems. Instead embrace the rainbow colour. Embrace the spectrum of gender, sexuality, ethnicity and a thousand other spectrum's we as humans fall on. 

The thirst for real connection drives all kinds of unhealthy desires from sexual aggression and toxic relationships to kinds of addiction. 

This human desire for connection can make us crazy sometimes. We want a connect and it doesn't happen the way we want it to we get angry and hurt. 

Instead of searching for relationships, search for good, honest energy connections. If we focused on that we would all be a lot happier and healthier. 

There are a lot of rules out there. Some obvious, some obtuse. Some about magick, some religious. 

I am of the opinion that these rules would help everyone. I allow there to be space for them to be wrong too. 

Peace, Joy and Bright Blessings xxx