Cleansing

Cleansing

I paint myself with mud and oil. Hey hey hey away away.
I bless the salt. Hey hey hey away away.
I draw the bath hot and deep.
What to hold and what to keep?
Light the candles.
Burn sage and wood.
I cast the salt into the water.
By earth and air and fire and water.
I slip into the water singing.
I wash the dirt from me.
I rock and hold the cloth pressed tight.
I see the inside like a stary night.
I lay back and sing and hum.
There I float abyss above.
A void. A spiral drawing in.
All that was.
All yet to begin.
Almost everything I let it take.
All the thoughts I do not need.
Then I draw light in with my breath.
As light as a feather.
Just me left.
Hey hey hey away away
Hey hey hey ah away ah away.

"Only Joking!"

Banter -  Toxic Humour

So by default of where I have chosen to hangout lately (a Comic book shop and cafe) it is a very male environment and full of quite toxic "banter*".
Being as I haven't "peopled" save enlightened souls and my immediate circle it has been quite shocking to me the horrible things they say to each other. Things I would feel uncomfortable even thinking.
There is a level of cruelty and menace and power playing in almost every exchange. It seems to be based around a few individuals, one quite a physical bully.
I always have my shields up but especially when I know he will be there.
He is used to being the alpha in a group of non-alpha people.
I have been shocked at the violent words and actions (to match or compete with) these people. I am not some shrinking violent normally but being aware of the words around me makes me want to smudge the whole place!
*Banter is "funny" jokes or comments at the expense of someone else, a sort of toxic penis measuring contest.
The thing is having hung around alpha-alpha men (top dogs) they don't need to be arseholes because they command their masculine energy gracefully. They do not need to threaten violence, because they only react if so is provoked. Hanging out with martial artists they tend to have good chi, no need to "pump" themselves up. Alpha-alpha males don't often start fights, but do tend to end them swiftly.
Posturing and growling is for those who have something to prove.
That is not to say these guys are all idiots. Far from it. These are often smart, talented people. Quick witted, artistic.
I am torn between getting involved (magickally or emotionally) and mothering these folks and benignly passing through.
The thing is being as I usually take no shit, the alpha took issue with me and has felt the need to "dominate" including coming up behind me and looming aggressively. This failed on his part because I could see him coming in the reflection of the window (so I wasn't suprised) and could sense when he got close. I wasn't shock, or frightened. I turned and smiled at him. This seemed to deflate or diffuse his energy in an non-aggressive manner.
Still it is rather exhausting being there. There are some very interesting and creative people in this place and when the "bantermen" are not there, the energy is a creative and excited one.
While bitching can be just as bad and banter (it is more deciduous but less confrontational) it can not help but bring the energy down.
Watching our thoughts and feelings might make us seem overly sensitive but I believe we are seeing the true intention of cruel words and deeds under the thin gloss of "only joking".

I now feel the need to burn incense and wash!
Bright Blessings
xxx

The Art of Constant Cleansing

My "mother" died in November and while it was upsetting I don't think I had any idea that it messed me up as much as it did. I pushed past it. Squashed it down and by January I was sick. Again. I spent most of it in bed with a fever (I still have a fever) because that's what my body does.
I couldn't pray, or sit still, or even mediated. I could find that poise.
The spirit of my "mother" passed over but her ghost, the trauma loomed large and I couldn't look into the mirror, look inside myself without her words bubbling in my head. I am tired of carrying around this anger and bitterness that was never my own.

"You can't speak to a man like that, they will hit you."
"Never have children they ruin your life."
"Don't trust anyone."
"Men are useless"
"Men are pathetic."
"You'll need a rich husband because you can't do anything right."
"You can always become a stripper, it's not like they look at your face."  
"I believe you believe that happened."
"You are a vile, spiteful thing."
"Why can't you just pretend everything is fine like everyone else?"
"Lie. Cheat. Break the rules. Everyone else does."
"There is no such thing as kindness. Everyone wants something."
"Nobody really loves each other. One person is always the garden and the other the gardener."
"You're weak."
"You are naive and ridiculous."
"You've gained weight. It doesn't even make you look jolly."
"You're looking too thin. Don't lose any more weight you'd look bloody awful."
"Fat people are disgusting."
"Why can't you just be like..."
"Your such a drama Queen."
"You don't know the meaning of hard work."
"You have no work ethic."
"I only said what everyone else was thinking."

You died and kindness and love survived. I am tired of carrying around your pain and trauma. I am tired of doubting myself all over again. I am not frightened of you any more. I was shocked when you died, we always joked a wooden stake and decapitation would be the only way. I can survive anything. I survived you.

Walking with Shadows

Walking with Shadows

Authenticity versus negative space?

I used to think I was good at pretending. As a Thesp from the tender age of 4 until I was 21 being someone else was always more comfortable than being myself. Yet my "make believe" was always on stage and in rehearsal. I was about 18 when I figured out some people spend their whole lives like that.
There is an idea that to be "positive" you must also be fake. You must pretend it is fine until it is.
This to me is an emotional and mental blindness. If you do not look within and see you can not know how to heal yourself.
That is not to say you should wallow or allow yourself to spiral into the choking fumes of many toxic thoughts or feelings. You must stand on that edge and feel it, and accept it is there.
You don't have to throw yourself into it.
Understanding this took me many years. A lot of the problem is the language we have for this toxic mental miasma is about "darkness" and "negativity". While the feelings and thoughts do happen in a shadow space, in our shadow inside it is not the "darkness" that is the issue, it is our unwillingness to bring light and look at what is happening there that is the biggest problem. The next part is to do something. To address what is going on.

To look within. To accept how you are thinking and feeling. To change and heal.

That might look like this.

"Why am I feeling so weird. I feel so...restless...so...fidgety...so...angry. Why am I angry? My sister did and said unforgivable things.I am really really angry. She hurt me. Anger is pain. I am in pain. What helps me heal? Should I paint? No..not feeling that. A bath? Dancing. Loud music. Yes! Let me put on loud music and dance."

 Feeling guilt or shame for your feelings stops this process in it's tracks. It makes a feed back loop that is damaging making us dwell in our shadow space swallowing thoughts and feelings that make us sick and miserable.
(Being sick and miserable is okay, staying sick and miserable is a horrible way to exist).
Therapists can really help expand most people ability to look within, but they can not make you heal. They can not make you change. You are in charge of your whole self. Making peace with your feelings is not the same as allowing them to ride roughshod over you and your life.
It is okay to feel you want to smack the shit out of someone, it isn't okay to do it! You might also need to look why you feel that way about this person or situation.
It is possible to be positive and authentic. It is okay to commune with the shadows within. It isn't okay to live there.

I almost became an art therapist but the Masters course said I didn't have enough experience with mental health. 10 years (at the time) of being a carer didn't count because I wasn't employed at it.
Still, my interest in action to heal persists, even if it is a different path than I might have expected.

Bright Blessings xxx

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