The Abyss and Robin Williams

The Abyss and Robin Williams

A great man has fallen. His death seems all the more tragic because he might have chosen to end it himself. Personally I loved his work, but it is not Good Morning Vietnam I think of today, but What Dreams May Come.

Yes Robin Williams was an addict,  addicted to cocaine and alcohol which do not do great things to the body, spirit and mind of a person, but the reason he was an addict was because he was in crippling agony. A spiral of shame, guilt and paralyzing fear. His love of his children made him deal with his addiction but that simply meant his self medication, his crutch was gone.

Maybe his soul sickness went into remission, maybe he just hid it better. Maybe he took medication.

The truth is this man, loved by so many did not know how to love himself. 

How do I know this? I have never meet him. Listened to his darkness late at night when he thought I was sleeping. I never woke and wondered, if today would be the day his pain would suddenly tip over and the need to end the pain would consume him. He has never look straight through me because he is staring into the abyss. I have never wept for him because the talents and joys I can see in him he is utterly blind to. 

Yet I have loved many that do. Many have been addicts in one way or another, alcohol and cocaine tend to be their poisons of choice. They choose these not only because they are easy to obtain but because they effect emotional pain very quickly. Cocaine numbs it. Yet it makes the rot even deeper. Alcohol feels warm and comforting, but you are still freezing to death. 

It is easy to judge. Yet I want you to imagine the greatest pain you have ever been in. I want you to imagine that it hurts to stand, to breathe, to think. I want you to imagine that you feel like you have no skin. That everyone's words hit you like cold sharp rain. Then some bright sparks will ask you to "smile".

They will tell you that this pain "isn't real". That the agony you are experiencing is nothing. Some might shame you. Might make you feel guilty for being in this pain you never asked for. Might refuse to acknowledge your bravery, and call you a coward. This shame and guilt of pain can make people go to crazy lengths to hid how bad you are hurting. This pain is medically called depression. A dip. A dimple. How odd? It sounds like nothing and feels like a yawning chasm of darkness. I have only been through this level of pain once in my life. Yet I live and love many with this illness? Disease? Agony? What do you call it to give it the weight it deserves? 

They all tend to be smart, talented, funny and kind. Some have tragic childhoods, not unlike my own, yet some don't. Sometimes the not knowing where this darkness started only adds to the guilt and shame.

I have seen these friends shamed and blamed by loved one. Seen them rage against what they believe is themselves. Watched as the joy drained from their lives and faces. See how all was ash in their mouths and they kept trying to smile or make dinner. Watched my lovers hate themselves for needing support and love. Seen my husband writhe in the agony of his own existence. All haunted by the people they pretend to be, wished they could be, knew they could become but for the abyss inside them.

So I don't wonder why Robin Williams took his life, I marvel that he lived so well, for so long. I applaud his courage, his humor and grace. I will cherish his legacy in films. From aliens and artist, doctors and villains. For me, he is a hero. 

When my step-brother took his life earlier this year I gave his daughter this poem and she read it to him,  smoothed his hair and placed it into his coffin. I do not know what comfort it could give Robin William's family, but as I light a candle for him later in his honour I will speak these words.

Lay in Rest

Goodnight, goodbye my friend

I pray you lay in rest.

Lay in happiness and peace

Lay in the light of your love

Let those who nourished your being

Liberate you in peaceful death

For all time, undoing all sorrows.

Goodnight, goodbye my friend

I pray you lay in rest

Lay in hush and comfort

Lay in the gentle dream of tranquility

Let those who sustained you in life

Liberate you in unity

For all time, lay in true rest.