My mourning

My Mourning

My tea of the day is Darjeeling.
I am in a weird place, a healing place, but off my balance a little. When I was 18 I fell in love at first sight. Across a crowded room. Time slowed and everything, except of course I did not. This person was, of course, very important to my life, yet somehow they were always leaving. Given my childhood I did not expect less. Over the years since she has left me a hundred times. Left me with confusion, blame, broken-heartedness, in limbo, in secret, and I could never see I was a ego boost. We needed each other so much, had so many parallel experiences but we never really saw each other. I changed the whole course of my life to embrace a person she never really was. She changed me for the better as well as the worse. She was a muse, and inspiration. What is they say about meeting your hero's? This game of affection (I will not call it love) and shame spiralled and spiralled. I gave when I barely had anything myself. I gave her time, money when I could when she was starving and stealing just to live. Then when she kissed me at her hen party as I left in a cab to come home something broke in me. Yet I put it in a box with her name on it of pain. I watched her wed someone else and part of me crushed into nothingness.
Then when her baby was going be born sick, spent hours sending light, talking when we could, only to be told after the birth I wasn't welcome at the hospital because I "wasn't family". Ping,oh look another piece of something like my soul, never mind, put it in the box.
It took me a long time to not to play the spiral game. When it stopped she cut me from her life. Not a word. Not a moment of warmth and I FELT BAD.
This is not love. Not anything close to it.
This is not friendship.
It is odd, that this box I placed all of this is now open and I can see it so clearly. It was never her falling. It was never me leaving. It was me through the mirror and not me at all. Love is not something you say, it is what you do. I am not even angry, am disappointed in all that time, and energy and magick I wasted that I should have spent on my life, on those who were there.
Good bye Flower Princess, I will remember Channel number 5, the feel of tequila on my tongue, the hangovers are not worth it. I don't drink any more.
I don't need your permission (or anyone else's) to dance. I don't need your approval (or anyone else's) in what I do.
So I dance, drink tea, burn sweet herbs, light candles and dance with Goddess and angels.

Bright Blessings xxx