Dear Mother

Dear Mother,

                    that person, woman, abuser who carried me in her womb and gave me such deep and grave lessons is at deaths door. Her other child, the favourate one has been calling and texting. It is the first time I have spoken to her since she put me in hospital. Actually what was suspected I had, but thankful didn't was exactly what befell my "mother". It happen on Samhain our most holy of holies. I could not go to her. Nor was I sure I wanted to. She is unconscious with a bleed on her brain. She has had two operations and is not breathing on her own.
If I could get there (that is a big IF) I would just sit and meditate. Maybe take her a small figure of Buddha. Place some lotus oil on her brow. However, doing all these things would be "wrong". So to is not doing all these things. At least to my "sister". All she wanted was for me to be her punching bag. I politely refused. I could hear in her voice how she is hurting but I am not a punching bag. I don't need spite or nastiness. My calmness was read as indifference. My resistance to her drama was me being "difficult".
It has been a year and a bit since I grieved the loss, the hope for a parent, the desire for that bond, that unconditional warmth. I grieved deeply and made peace with much of it. I feel sad. Not a deep pain in my heart and soul more a cool sadness of a life unlived. Of a lack of connection and love.That a human is suffering.
I gained much from her. She taught me deep soul lesson (yes many were of agony and pain) but the were important. Even if she makes it through, she will not be herself.
I pity "my sister". Yet she fills me with rage and anxiety. I have yet to unpick that ball of pain in my heart. TK said something last night. That she was jealous of the attention I got when the abuse investigation happened. That she never forgave me for "stealing her thunder". That I had never wanted that attention, that it was hurtful and harming was not the point. People looked at me. Sidelong and whispering, but they all looked.
Oh my mother, my mother. is this your will? You gave to them what they tried to do to me? Is it the fey? Fate? Something else? Is it just life? The consequences of smoking and holding in to all that...everything? I have not prayed one way or the other but left her, as she left me in your hands. I let her go. I scatter her bones and see if you unmake her or re-make her.
Thank you for my sisters. My true ones. I was blessed with a helpful distraction this weekend. A way to try and make everything fun (even though I struggled). There were games and costumes and childlike wonder.
You always give me the medicine I need.

Thank my dearest Goddess, my mother.


If you have a toxic relationship with your "mother" try reading this. I have too many on this list.
I hope it helps. You do not have to accept these people in your life. You can not change them and they will not love you in a healthy way, regardless of how much you want them to.