Rolf Harris and lantern fish

Rolf Harris and lantern fish

As a survivor of sexual abuse this weeks news has left me feeling sick and uncomfortable. The reactions of others have also made me want to write this blog.

They ask "how could someone so charming, talented and funny do something like this?"

They still expect that to behave monstrously the villain must look the part. Yet abusers and victims know something, something simple and frightening and true. 

Abusers have to be funny, and charming, and great with kids. It is their lure, their light that draws in the victims and stuns those around them. This respectability, this camouflage is the tool of the abuser.  It makes their victims doubt themselves, it makes the victims look spiteful, difficult and unreliable because everyone KNOWS that an abuser looks like *add stereo type here* and that is NOT what Mr X is like. The idea that you know who would be dangerous around your children is inverted and wrong. Abusers HAVE to be trustworthy, have to be master manipulators and liars. They will fool everyone, except of course the victims. 

It is this erroneous image with the mind that is the mask, the deceit the abuser hides behind. We want so desperately to believe we know who will hurt our children or us and the truth is we won't.  

In "looking for the monster" we fail to learn and especially fail to teach that they could be your teacher, your boyfriend, husband, friend, parent or sibling. Abusers look to gain power and trust and respect, and it is a role they use to devastating affect. All other aspects of an abusers life are there to lure, conceal and allow access to what they really crave.

This respect, admiration and love they inspire in others is the best protection they could ever have. If they can charm enough people the behavior can become wilder, and erratic but these "defenders" will be blind, will help cover up and make excuses for the abusers. The idea that this glorious person "who adore and protects" them is a monster is too horrible to believe and nothing will remove the glamour from their eyes. 

This the how abusers like Harris ran rampant even though his behavior warranted the industry nickname Octopus. This why Lords and politicians, doctors and the like can and do get away with abusing.

Culturally while children are accessories, women are things and men have the right to demand what they like when they like (and get away with it) no amount of posters, campaigns or memes will help. 

I applaud the victims and survivors who spoke out and say a quiet prayer for those that have not been heard or believed.

You see my abusers was a respectable man and as a 7 year old girl my statements were not considered reliable enough for court. My mother did all she could to protect him and even now protects his memory. 

It is this need to protect the abuser, not the victims we must look at. That we must undo. The monster we fear is human, charming and deceptive.