Eggs!

Eggs!

So what with the world being shut since Friday I have done both a lot of magick, cleaning and also long stretches of bugger all.

I baked bara brith. Bara brith is a traditional Welsh fruit loaf. Speckled bread in English can be made with yeast (like I do) or more like an American banana type bread. I left my fruit soak with molasses sugar and saffron and spices while my dough was given extra time to bubble. Once the fruit was cool I added two beaten duck eggs (about twice the size and weight of a chicken egg) and added most of it to my dough. It was quite a wet dough and I only stirred it rather than kneaded it. I divided between two greased loaf tins, glazed with the last of the egg and baked.

We ate fry up's (eggs again).

Well also decorated and wrote prayers and spells on two rare breed organic free range eggs each. You can see them in a bowl in the background. The base colour is not one we painted it is how they come out of the chicken!

At dusk I began burning pine and oak and we all placed out eggs (TK and E placed their's whole I broke mine to release the spell/prayer).

We did the front and back garden. Me placing last each time. The wood smoke billowing in circles.

The last egg I threw with some force but it didn't break. Instead it bounced into the lower branches of the hedge.

TK turned to me and said

"Magick!"

I did a lot of deep shielding and cleansing meditations calling with help to let go of things I no longer needed. 

It was oddly stormy and we had sudden bouts of hail so I didn't spend much time out doors. That said I have planted my potatoes and started to tidy the garden.

Bright Blessings xxx

Letting Go

Letting Go

"what is the difference between letting go and losing control?"

My initial response was "not much". As a society and as a Brit we have strict cultural codes of when it is okay to lose control. "Losing control" is seen as a bad thing. This is normally because we can be wound pretty tight. When we do let rip it is because we are doing it in a socially acceptable way. Being drunk gives social permission to be playful, vocal, loud, excited, angry, sad, sexual and alive; but this level of out of control mean there is more violence, aggression, sex with partners we wouldn't normally choose, or know will cause us pain.

Oddly if we were more comfortable and taught how to let go, to choose to express and allow the natural flow of internal feelings and energy we might all be happier and healthier.

Letting go is a mosh pit, instead of a bar room brawl. It is choosing a safe place to release something (in whatever way works for you).

Sometimes I can breath through it. Sometimes I write poetry. Sometimes I do deep relaxing meditation. Sometimes I sit and have a good cry. Sometimes I listen to loud music, paint, sing, dance, write, exercise, or get out the punch pads.

In truth I don't think I am good at letting go, but it is something I know I have to work on. I

I have learned I don't always have to be "in control". That surrendering to a moment doesn't break anything. The world doesn't end if if I stop meddling with it, if I just be exactly as I am.

It is like a bottle of pop (soda) I suppose. You can open it slowly, releasing the pressure or keep shaking it until it explodes.

Letting go is a concious act. Losing control is not. It comes when something is too much. We can no longer keep our mind and feelings in order and they break the banks and flood our lives.

In Britain, but especially in England if you are cheery someone might scowl and say 

"What the hell are you grinning at."

If we get teary about something you might get asked

"Do you need to leave the room?"

We are expected not to complain when something is wrong, not to have eye contact with strangers and to quietly seethe over bad driving and spilt coffee.

So maybe I am better at letting go than I think I am culturally. I mean they still hold a grudge as a nation for a football game that happened in 1966 for fucks sake!

For many people we have lost our safe and ritual spaces to let go. To just be. There is a television always on. There is a cultural or social construct of behaviour. This is why surrendering meditation and being in wild places are so good for the soul.

"I choose to let go,

Of all the thoughts and feelings

That no longer serve my highest good.

I have faith in something

More than myself.

I trust all of myself unto

The arms of my Goddess."

Bright Blessings xxx

Remember to check out my book The Key here and my shop for you bespoke magickal needs here.

In the Dreaming

In the Dreaming

In the dreaming I stood with two people at quarrel. One a vegan, one a eco-omnivore. I stood them and made them look at each other. The room was small in a much larger space. The lights were candles and I burned incense.

"Meat is murder."
Her teeth are clenched. Her face is hard.

"And you do not murder so you are better than him?"

"Yes. No. Yes."
She looks confused for a moment.

"This your judgement? Let go of your ego. Let go of your judgement. See before you a mountain lion. Wild and fierce and true. Is a mountain lion a murderer?"

"No but... he can choose to be different."

"Can a mountain lion decide he doesn't want to be a mountain lion?"

"No but... he's a murderer. What if he murder's me?"
Tears fall.

"Keep looking at his face. Lift your gaze from the ground. Repeat after me. You are a mountain lion."

"You are a mountain lion."

"It is not my right to change or damage you."

"It is not my right to change or damage you."

"I was afraid. In my fear I lashed out."

"I was afraid. In my fear I lashed out."

"The wildness in you is different than the wildness in me."

"The wildness in you is different than the wildness in me."

"I forgive you."

"I forgive you."

"I forgive myself."

"I forgive myself."

"Keep holding her gaze. Repeat after me. You are a wild horse."

"You are a wild horse."

"It is not my right to change or damage you."

"It is not my right to change or damage you."

"I did not mean to make you afraid. I wish you no harm."

"I did not mean to make you afraid. I wish you no harm."

"The wildness in you is different than the wildness in me."

"The wildness in you is different than the wildness in me."

"I forgive you."

"I forgive you."

"I forgive myself."

"I forgive myself."

There is a softness in the space now, that was not there before. I add more incense to the brazier and they leave together talking quietly.


It is worth noting that mountain lions are associated with the Goddess Inanna. It is also the spring equinox. That the aspects in this dream are both me, male and female, and mediator. That the spirits of wild horses and mountain lions do not always sit well together in one person. Yet maybe they should. They have more in common they they might know.

Bright Blessings

When Gods find you

When Gods find you

I have always found it odd when people chase Dieties and even Pantheons. Either for their "coolness" or trend, as a rule I rarely seek out Gods.
I always found they spoke the loudest in my life when I was just puttering around. That is not to say I have not gone seeking, don't pray or call out "help" or "thank you" from time to time. It is more that they pop into my life to teach me a lesson. Show me an archetype. Show me where I am through their art and poetry.
Persephone popped up to show me the way out of my "under-world" and out of my terrible relationship in my early twenties.

 So did Babba-Yagga, to a lesser extent. The Hag. The dancing wildness.They would just show up. In books and stories. Places I went. Be names scrawled on walls. Like that song you hate, that follows you?
Their lessons learned they faded (but didn't vanish) from my life. Then came Cerridwen, and a whole host of Celtic family members.

I learned I could sense and communicate with other people's Gods too after a fateful tarot reading, that was as terrifying as it was uplifting.
Then Hecate.
Friends, teachers, students! All singing her praises. She was everywhere, without me asking for a very very long time!
Now here comes Inanna.
Such moving poetry! Such sultry and sexy delights! So many questions!
I should be used to it by now.
"Hello, how are you? Will you be staying long? Cup of tea?"
It is interesting to me that the idea of letting go of your "things" to become who you fully are is an idea older than pyramids. It is interesting that even a Goddess had to fight (with help) for what was hers.
There will be more to learn of course. I will never exactly know the lesson until I learn it!

Bright Blessings

Here be Monsters (Trigger warning)

Here be Monsters

I tend to think survivors find each other.
We can read things in people that other's would miss. It is subtle. It is always a privilege when they peel away the persona and show the scars and wounds.
You'd think that the worst part of being abused is the abuse.
I mean something horrible happened, maybe for a long time.
Yet time and time again I have seen the trauma of abuse is the way the abuser distorted the social perception of the survivor. The idea that they are "unreliable" "dishonest" "attention seeking" a "liar" "stupid" and my personally loathed one "difficult".
This distortion of who they know they are and how they are painted at every opportunity keeps the abuse alive for the survivor.
It can literally "make them crazy".
Behind each of those labels are other darker words whispered or screamed, like lashes against the skin.
"Dirty"
"Disgusting"
"Unworthy"
It can rock the foundation of who we think we are. Make us question and doubt things that we know are true.
The fiction between the monsters and people and the people and monsters, is that we know.
We know who we really are under the neglect and abuse and violence. We know who we could have been. We see it in the faces of our friends and families. We know.
This is the wound.
The gap between who we are, who we could have been, and how we are seen and treated. If we remove one of those points the gap becomes much narrower and heals more easily. If we as a culture can begin to stop pigeon holing what "victims" and "abusers" look like. If we can really begin to listen and accept the truths we don't just begin the healing process, we stop the pain happening for future survivors.
It takes so much time and courage to work through abuse. There is no quick fix. Survivors are not always brave or noble, nor do they always want to be. They are not always angry.
Forgiveness is something that can happen but expecting that forgiveness can fix all the hurts only sweeps the raw difficult truth back into the darkness. It enlarges the wound. It keeps the hurt alive.
I have made peace with much but it always has to be on the survivors terms.
It is odd that when the monsters are sick and dying how human they become. It can make us question ourselves all over again.
Today I will dedicate my altar to those survivors. To those whom feel lost. To the boys and girls who never wanted to be strong or noble or brave but could only survive that way.

Bright Blessings

Haters

Haters

I wish it were as easy to "shake off" the ignorance and prejudice and hate of people.

I wish I could tell folks in the broom closet that they would be accepted and loved for who they are. That they won't attract stupid and hurtful comments or that their "friends" and even family might  be the ones turn on them but the truth is, being different and acknowledging that can see hate spew from places you never expected.

It is hard to embrace who you are when you spend time and energy fitting into the lines other people have drawn.

If people love you, they will love you if you are pagan/gay/trans or anything else.

If they love the IDEA of you, the person you have to be in order to be "accepted" then that isn't love.

If they only love you when you a X, that isn't love.

Being "out and proud" is not easy. It is a whole lot easier than living in the shape of someone else's expectation.

Much like being gay, some families might think it is a phase, or even (Goddess forbid) something they need to save you from. This is because they have seen what happens to people who are different. They have seen the social code enforced, maybe even enforced it. The fear and the hate are deeply connected in "otherness."

It is a cheap and easy tool used to control people that "what is not us", is "other" and "other-ness" is bad. It is more rigorously defended by those who are frightened that they are "other" too. 

The thing is accepting your difference and being open creates a safe space for other's to do the same.

It creates solidarity and a community. It allows freedom.

It allows growth and healing.

In truly being ourselves we begin to heal not only ourself but those who stayed hidden and hurting in the past and might even be able to stop the prejudiced and hate from harming others in the future.

You are different? Good.

You are not supposed to be the same as everyone else.

We can only combat fear and hate with knowledge.

The bug up their ass is not about you.

It is about them.

It is about fear.

You can spend your whole life trying to make other people happy and you will be miserable.

Or you could, kindly, gently dance under stars and play strange music.

It takes time to figure out who you are. 

It is an on going process.

Sometimes it will hurt.

Sometimes you will fail.

Sometimes you won't want to lift your head of the floor.

Know that being yourself has a price but so does not being. Not being your self, guessing, second guessing, fearing of letting something slip, fear someone will notice. Is exhausting. It is a weight you do not have to carry.

If you are in fear for your safety, if physical harm or violence might come into play get help. Be it law enforcement, staying with friends or joining the Pagan Federation. You have rights.

I wish this wasn't a reality, that maybe awkward family dinners would be the worst you might face but truth is, it can be bad. 

Yet if we stand together we can heal the fear and hate, educate and cleanse the past and pave a better future.

Bright Blessings

Curses and Gifts

Curses and Gifts

You may or may not be surprised by the abuse I and other readers and psychics  have levelled at us on a regular basis.
We must either be liars or crazy, preying on the vulnerable.
I have never preyed on any one.
The truth is I have seen some folks with no "gift" do this. Not often though it has to be said. Psychics that do often get removed from a community pretty quickly.
As a smart child and a wary teen I figured there must be something wrong with me.
What I could see and know, the world as I experience, was not the world other's could see.
Being different and feeling very alone was frightening to me.
After all my years of training. After all my work, reading writing, teaching and practice you'd think that dread in the pit of the stomach that open's up when I see that line of verbal assault (I have even seen sceptics cheer physical violence) would go away; but it doesn't.
Like being bi-sexual, it is something fundamental about who I am. I can not change it, though there have been times I wanted to. I started drinking (rather a lot) at aged thirteen because it lessened the fear and quietened the overlay of people and things over the world.
So do I lie? The other accusation? I try and make what I see palatable. I try and help people make better choices, feel empowered. If I don't see something, then I say so.
When you can feel other person's physical and emotional pain through your body wishing them further pain or harm is the last thing I would want.
I don't take everything I see or feel literally. I understand that what I experience is my brain interpreting things and trying to make them make sense to me.
Now am I crazy? The visions and spirits can speak to me, but they are at my mercy not the other way around. I don't allow them to make me feel bad, or less.
Working with spirit is actually very empowering. I know (after lots of training) how to deal with spiritual stuff, the good the bad and ugly.
People on the other hand; the living, well they are a mess.
I have lost friends and respect from people I really cared about because it was fashionable for them to "bash" something they didn't believe in. Yet I behave as responsible way when I do get sick, vulnerable and folks in crisis reaching out for me.
Yesterday on my Etsy shop someone was "possessed" by an "evil spirit" and wanted a "budget" solution. I tried to get more details, but this person sounded ill, in pain and confused. I told them to go and see a doctor. I didn't charge them anything. I didn't make anything up. I didn't sell them snake oil.
It hurts.
It hurts me in my soul.
I can not be any less psychic than I could be any less bi.
I don't "do it for attention". I don't do it to look"special". I don't do it to manipulate others.
I see the world and feel the world differently. I see colours and spaces, shades of light others do not.
It is beautiful. It is awe inspiring. It is a gift.

Bright Blessings

First Love Yourself?

We are all Works in Progress

People who are not whole love all the time. 
People are imperfect and in progress and love just fine. 
Of course you need to remove the garbage in your heart and mind, but you can't do that fumbling around without light to see by. 
That light, that hope and grace and joy are vital. 
Happiness is vital to being healthy and whole.
It is not some after thought or something that happens when you have "enough".
In part it comes from letting go of misery. 
It is fine to feel sad. 
It is fine to feel everything, or nothing. 
It should inform us. 
Lead us to look. 
Really look. 
On tip toes right to the edge of our deepest chasms holding on to that lifeline. 
That chord of breath that connects us with life and light and joy.
We need the light and air. 
No matter how deep we can dive we are not those strange phantoms that dwell in the deep dark made of teeth and gossamer with their own strange alien lights.
We may bask in the light and enjoy the foam and bubbles of dancing colours.
It is not insincere to delight in the world. 
To enjoy bubble baths and sunsets and furry cuddles. 
It is not trite of idiotic to love life in all it's broken muddy and painful glory.  
Life that has teeth and passion. 
Love that has fury and depth.
The open-hearted magick of being alive, awake and knowing all the dangers and perils and still dancing. 
Still breathing.